22nd March 2007

My opinion about myself changes very often...

I have stopped feeling happy about stuff...

I like the depression I am in...

It is sort of beautiful and allows me to think about my life and other things...

I wish I were to die in the next week so that I wouldn't hold myself back...

I am happy to be sad...

I dont make much sense, but I never have...

I dont know what has come over me...

There is a certain feeling of peace inside me, I dont feel angry at anyone...I dont think bad about anyone...I dont even care what anyone says or does to me anymore...It has ceased to matter...
There is an awful peace and silence in and around me and its sort of drugging...
The world and its madness has ceased to matter now...
Nothing matters now...
It feels like Nirvana, but something is lacking...
I try to find what that is and fall inside myself deeper and deeper...
This is possibly the only place and time I am admitting this to myself...
Everywhere else I put on an act...
I have lost all contact with the world and am now almost content...

This contentment too is a curse, it is impossible to be content everyone tells me...
And contentment is possible only after death (like you'd care then...), they say...
It is in human nature to not be content and that is sort of true, because, if we'd have been content with our earlier lives, we'd probably still be living in caves and stuff ...(I mean evolution cant just be a mistake...there has to be some method...)

I am rambling and sort of sleepy and peaceful...
I really dont know if I have made any sense...I dont think I care...